update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
