nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
