I'm gonna have a badass scar
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
