someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
thus making me awesome and them whores
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
