He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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