Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
