I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
