i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
