Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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