I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
