you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
pop tarts are not kleenex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
