if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
