don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
