90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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