Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
