So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
