she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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