Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I smell stomach acid.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
