True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
