barbara walters just said penis...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
