Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize