i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize