my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
