My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
organizing the empties. That sober.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize