Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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