Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
