just come out here and I will go home with you...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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