I wish I could teleport
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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