You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
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