I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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