I think my fart just growled at me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
