Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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