i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if only i could text you this smell
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
