Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
