I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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