EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
