I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
stop calling my apartment porn island.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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