Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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