No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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