I'm really into asian looking animals
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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