Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
