I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize