Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
