I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
