His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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