I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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