We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
