Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
