I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
