Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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