'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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