i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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