This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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