my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
