what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
