if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
