oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just found a bag of teeth...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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