Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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