Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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