Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
