Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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