don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
