just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
