You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
